My adult daughter was visiting me from out of state. Throughout her life, she has struggled with anxiety and depression. When I look at her, I see a beautiful, statuesque young woman, but her appearance shows only her outer protective shell, not the thick layers of fear, abandonment, need for control, and other symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism that encase the beautiful being hidden within.

I know this because I am an adult child of alcoholics. I understand her because I was her. I learned at a tender age to be hypervigilant and observant to try to control my out-of-control family life. My main control method was trying to make all the angry, depressed, sad people around me happy. Their happiness was my focus. My attempts to cope with my family situation created a protective shell made of hard, thick layers of dishonesty, distorted thinking, fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. By the time I was my daughter’s age, my thinking about myself and others was warped.

I had no idea who I was, what I felt, or how to get the love and security I longed for. I sought to fill these needs in all the wrong places—self-medicating with alcohol; dating men who were alcoholics, addicts, or emotionally unavailable; and spending time with “friends” I wanted to please even though I didn’t like them.

I attended my first Al‑Anon meeting over 40 years ago. Before that, I didn’t know that my mother, father, and sister were alcoholics. Having been planted deep in the woods of a dysfunctional family, I had no way of knowing there were other ways of living in the world. But Al‑Anon changed this.

During my early days in Al‑Anon, I was my usual silent, sad, miserable self, though I kept a smile painted on my face no matter how awful, angry, and resentful I felt inside. I was so focused on everyone else I never thought of honestly looking at myself. But I heard over and over that “in this program, the focus is on you.” That idea was foreign to me. I had no idea that the security, stability, and love I longed for could never be found outside myself, which was where I was seeking it. Instead, it resided within me where my Higher Power was.

Al‑Anon is the spiritual vessel on which I set sail all those years ago in my quest to discover what was hidden beneath the shell I grew to protect my heart. The meetings, literature, Steps, principles, my Sponsor, service, and friendships helped me navigate life in new ways and recover from the devastating effects alcohol and addiction had on my life. Today, the Al‑Anon program continues to reveal those parts of my shell that still need to be removed to uncover more of the serene, joyful, beautiful me inside.

By Anonymous

The Forum, July 2024

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.

Before coming to Al‑Anon, I had a hard time understanding exactly what compassion was. I thought it meant covering for the alcoholic and making excuses for his actions. I thought I was being compassionate when I looked the other way but still fixed whatever he did that caused problems. I thought I was having compassion for him when I made myself responsible for his drinking, dishonesty, and abuse.

I was so wrong, and I was not aware that what I was doing was actually harming him. I didn’t know that I was enabling him. Change was very painful for me, but through the Al‑Anon program, I learned in a gentle and caring way what compassion really is.

Compassion is about accepting people as they are and still loving them. That does not mean making excuses for the alcoholic or covering for their mistakes. That is enabling. Sometimes, being compassionate requires a great deal of effort. I can find compassion for others who have tested me to the limit by letting go of resentments and anger. But I can only let go of resentments and anger if I first let go of unrealistic expectations, let others take responsibility for their actions, and allow them the dignity to learn from their own mistakes. This applies to me too.

Many times, being compassionate with myself has been a lot more difficult than being compassionate with others. I can only achieve compassion for myself by accepting myself the same way that I learned to accept others as they are, by practicing “Live and Let Live” and remembering that I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to change instantly, but I can make progress “One Day at a Time” by going to meetings, reading Al‑Anon literature, and talking to my Sponsor.

It took me years to stop enabling my son and start giving him the dignity to learn from his own mistakes, and at the same time, to accept myself the way I am. But with the guidance of the Al‑Anon program, I now feel compassion for both of us, and I understand that I didn’t cause him to drink, I can’t control him or his drinking, and I cannot cure him. In a few words, Al‑Anon helped me to stop enabling and start feeling compassion.

By Alicia D.

The Forum, July 2024

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.

When I think of the word victory, I think of achieving success despite significant obstacles. I see it as living my best life with serenity, dignity, and grace. One of the biggest barriers to my own victory was my victim outlook. I placed an enormous amount of importance on things outside myself: my circumstances, my experiences, and the actions of other people. I have come to understand that that was due to the family disease of alcoholism and the way it distorted my thinking.

I can also say that this point of view was a part of my family for generations. Coming into Al‑Anon, I carried the burdens of my own resentments, bitterness, guilt, and shame. But I couldn’t see these burdens, let alone work with them, because all of my focus was on others. Using the tools of Al‑Anon recovery lifted the fog and allowed me to see the truth.

In meetings, I heard others share their own insights about feeling victimized and growing past it. As I learned to ask for help from my fellow Al‑Anon members, I gained a clearer view of who I really was. Working with my Sponsor studying the Twelve Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Service, the broken parts of me were mended, piece by piece. Studying the words of fellow Al‑Anon members in our literature, I gained a healthier perspective.

Today, I can say that, instead of burdens, I carry the gifts found in the spiritual principles of Al‑Anon: unity, equality, trust, tolerance, patience, freedom, kindness, and forgiveness, among others. I’ve realized that my journey is summed up in the title of my favorite Al‑Anon book: From Survival to Recovery (B-21). As long as I viewed the world as a victim, I could only survive. It was by using these tools that I could rise victorious and really recover. I can truly say that not a moment has been wasted, and I will “Keep Coming Back.”

By Diane M.

The Forum, July 2024

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.

When I first started attending meetings, it was all I could do to listen to members share. I had no capacity in my chaos-filled life to quiet my mind enough to be present and absorb any readings from Conference Approved Literature (CAL). But as time passed, I acquired the calmness to hear the recovery messages read from our literature to start the meeting’s topic.

My home group always had extra copies of CAL, so I could follow along without purchasing my own copy. When our Group Representative (GR) came back from an Assembly, they reported that the Al‑Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. World Service Office (WSO) receives more than half of its annual support from the sales of our literature! And this was true for most years, as documented in the World Service ConferenceSummaries (P-46). Through our group conscience discussion, we decided to keep our extra CAL in saleable condition and encourage each member to purchase copies for their personal use. Having my own copies of CAL allowed me so many benefits:

• I began the practice of daily reading.

• I could pick up a book any time of day to reinforce my serenity.

• I could add highlights and personal notes of reflection in the margins.

• I could study a topic and prepare to lead a meeting.

• I could gift a book to a program friend or someone I sponsored.

Our group began to use our CAL to carry the message in many ways. We kept a supply of How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (B-32) to give to newcomers when they came through the doors for their first meeting. We participated in District events by contributing CAL for door prizes and raffles. We’d get to know new members more closely by sharing our open books so they could read along. Our group used a variety of CAL, so members became informed of the vast selection from which to choose.

Some members arrived with CAL downloaded on their tablet or smartphone. Not all of our CAL is available in ebook format—yet. Some members ask why it takes so long to publish electronic versions of our literature. As technology has improved, the process of converting CAL to ebooks is much less time-consuming than it was in the past. However, understanding the financial implications of offering CAL in ebook format required research. Would members no longer purchase printed books? What are the additional costs associated with selling ebooks on popular ebook platforms? And how will these costs affect the WSO’s ability to continue to support the fellowship?

After much research and discussion, the Board of Trustees determined it was necessary to expand CAL’s availability in ebook format. As WSO Staff prepared to roll out more ebooks, several Al-Anon Family Groups international structures shared their concern about this decision potentially affecting their abilities to be self-supporting, as they, too, rely on literature sales for a portion of their revenue.

The WSO is currently researching solutions that will allow for the expansion of CAL ebooks while also considering the need of all structures to be self-supporting. While this research is taking place, the conversion of CAL to ebooks is on hold. As we often say, more will be revealed.

Meanwhile, revenue generated by sales of our literature, along with voluntary contributions from members and service arms, enables the WSO to support Al‑Anon groups through public outreach and social media; group services, including group and trusted servant records maintenance; and digital tools such as the al-anon.org website and the Al-Anon Family Groups Mobile App.

Additionally, the WSO hosts and maintains the online platforms AFG Connects, the discussion community for Al‑Anon trusted servants, and Online Group Records (OGR), which Area Group Records Coordinators and Area Alateen Process Persons use to update group information for their Area. The WSO also compiles new literature along with publishing the monthly magazine The Forum and other special publications and pamphlets. The Customer Service department processes and ships orders for all CAL right from the WSO warehouse.

I appreciate knowing that whenever I buy a piece of Al‑Anon literature, I’m not only benefitting my own recovery; I’m also helping Al‑Anon as a whole by supporting the work of the WSO on behalf of the families and friends of alcoholics.

By Christa A., Senior Group Services Specialist

The Forum, July 2024

Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, Virginia, USA.